One morning I read a newsflash update on facebook. I knew it wasn't good but my curiosity led me to just glance the page. It said something like Thick Chicks or something like that. It was on facebook, so I assumed I could handle it. I go to the page and there are pictures of some beautiful and not so beautiful full figured girls and people were placing comments. I am looking on my phone so I'm liking what I am seeing. I read one comment made by this woman and I was really turned on. She said some really graphic stuff that got my attention but I'm rationalizing in my mind this isn't porn so I can handle it. So, I go back to my normal routine at work. I have a very productive day. I"m working; listenining to a series while in the car by Pastor Greogory Dickow on "Lasting Change." It appears to me that I am doing what I am suppose to be doing. Little did I know, I was just being setup by the devil.
Later that night, my wife is sleep not feeling good. I am up. I started thinking about that site I saw. (See where this is going) Now, I am trying to find that site again on facebook and particurly looking for the girl that said this comment but did not see it. I go over to photos to look at more of the pictures because its not porn so I can look. Now I see more of what I like. More pictures of girls with big breast and booty. I'm lusting now. I am turned on and now I want more. I am not thinking about nothing but these fine women I would love to screw. I"m going there in my mind. I am building an appetite for the forbidden. Now, I want to see more for real and I want a release. So, I do everything that I am not suppose to do. I look at porn and I masturbate. I fall. Immediately, I repent and immediately the guilt and shame of the years of my addiction were in my face. Now, I start questioning everything. Can I do this? Is this how I 'm going to live? Saying one thing and living another. It was the perfect setup.
Brothers, addictions or not easy to break. Maintaining your freedom from an addiction is easier but you can never trust yourself. I trusted myself and I missed it. When the opportunity to sin came, I gave in to the thought of, " I can handle it." That is the biggest lie. You can not handle it. If you are addicted to pornography little stuff can set you off. I was looking on facebook. I was not looking for porn but where did I end up. I was addicted and whatever you are addicted to you have to guard yourself from it; all of it! All forms of it. magazines, pictures, internet sites that promote sex hidden or not hidden. Now, I have stopped looking at those links. My flesh can not handle it. I can't look at pictures of half naked women. My flesh can not handle that. Finally, I can't lie and act like I am not tempted because I am all the time. The difference for me this time is, I didn't see it coming and before I knew it I had fallen.
What did I learn from this? How did I move on? I learned that in order for me to stay free, I have to eliminate it all. No more hidden sites or pages. I went back to doing the things to get free; instead now, its called maintenance. I read my books. I confess scriptures. I have specific confessions that I use and I monitor my actions and my conversations. Lastly, I keep looking up to God and not myself. Peter walked on water because he looked and kept his eyes on Jesus. The minute he took his eyes off Jesus, he began to sink. That is the main point. Don't look at your sin or addiction look at your source of strength , Jesus. Your deliverance is not in will power. Your deliverance is not in you just wanting to change. Your deliverance is In JESUS only. He is the only one that can transform your life. That's what I needed. I needed to be transformed into His image and likeness. I needed transformation in my thinking and I needed transformation in my actions so that I could begin to change my behavior. That was my problem. I could not change my actions until I changed my source. The bible says, its the little things that you have to watch. Sin or the problem will not dominate you when you spend time with the answer. (Jesus) We can not get around that.
Finally, you have to realize that you are not perfect. You will make mistakes but with Jesus you will always have the power to get back up again if you repent and not cover or hide your sin. Don't allow satan the opportunity to beat you up about the sin activity that you participated in. Just build your defense. Evaluate yourself and confess the problem. Process your journey. (Ask yourself, how did I get here?) Retrace your actions. Deal with your sins. Don't hide from it, deal with it and ask God for help. Then you must establish yourself , your identity, your likeness in Jesus. He knows the man you really are. Always go back to Jesus!
Brother Clarence
